WOMEN • LAURA ARGINTAR •
When we came across a list quite possibly even more ridiculous than some of our own, we knew we had to intervene.
To all my gal pals out there — we’re on that level now — this list is what happens when you miss the mark so hard that everyone around you feels uncomfortable and slowly starts to back away.
Although, to be fair, we couldn’t back away because we admittedly sort of love watching that kind of awkward fall-from-grace slow-fade unfold.
PSA: “Wall Street Insanity’s” confusing piece of prose is a gross attempt at satire (and yet, the very use of the word “satire” already feels too highbrow and credible for the low-level humor and conventional logic in which this article employs).
Half the reason why we even read it in its entirety is that we falsely believed it was written by the ”WSJ” for the better part of the article (in our defense, it was via email on a mobile phone outside, psh).
The only thing sillier and possibly sadder than the post itself is the fact that we feel compelled to write our own spin on it. We do promise, however, that it’s actually got thought behind it and added entertainment value.
Here’s our response to “50 Things Every Woman Must Realize About Men,” fittingly titled “50 Important Things Every Man Must Realize About Women.”
1. You gotta stay away from her top drawer in the nightstand. It’s got her Secret Service files and the stuff she needs to hide when her parents surprise visit.
2. She loves you for who you are. If she didn’t, then why would she waste her time trying to change you? If you start changing by yelling, cheating, and lying don't expect her to take that. There is plenty of men out there willing to give her what she needs.
3. You should definitely take it personally when she flirts with someone in front of you. It probably means you’re either not giving her what she wants sexually or she finds that other guy way more attractive than you.
4. Her friends’ opinions of you matter.
5. She wants to have a nice relationship with your mother. Who else will teach you how to treat a lady right?
6. You have to let sh*t go. Stop thinking she’s all drama when you’re the Lamar to her Khloe.
7. She likes your mystery. For some things, like your extensive collection of Beanie Babies, keep it that way.
8. She misses you when you’re gone. That doesn’t mean she’s going to send you postcards when you leave for work.
9. Withholding information is a dangerous game. WE. NEED. TO. KNOW. HOW. “GRAVITY.” ENDS… and which of your friends was using hemorrhoid cream.
10. She doesn’t tell her straight guy friends anything that would make you jealous. I can’t believe this is the first time I’m saying this in this article, but give us a little more credit, “Wall Street Insanity”!
11. If you want to try anal, don’t be such a p*ssy about it.
12. She sometimes considers what it would be like to date your friends or even the hott guy at the store. Your roommate definitely did not look that good when you started hooking up six months ago. How many ways would he give it to me?
13. You should learn what activities she likes to do. There’s nothing hotter than a man who won’t make me spin with him.
14. She wants you to make her stop fake orgasming. You’ll know the difference. Quit being a two minute man.
15. She notices when your mom picked out the gift.
16. She likes it when you step up your Prince Charming game. She might know how to cook mushroom risotto, but who said she wanted to play chef?
17. You’ve got to be capable of maintaining an erection. So don't get Porn-Induced Sexual Dysfunction also known as erectile dysfunction caused by porn. (YourBrainOnPorn.Com) She may not stick around and look for pleasure somewhere else.
18. If you’ve been together for longer than three months and she hasn’t said or intimated that she loves you, she probably doesn’t. And if she starts picking fights with you because she genuinely no longer cares, then…
19. Telling us to “relax” DOES NOT work. It has the opposite effect and you know this.
20. She might not be ready for kids. You like this body, right? Good, because currently so do we. If she gets pregnant don't expect her to lose all the weight within the first five months. And definitely don't tell her or insinuate she is fat after the baby. You will ruin your relationship with her. If your checking out other women and drooling, she sees and will start to look better for other men.
21. She knows when you’re lying to her… and she’s hoping it’s for that big surprise birthday she’s always wanted but could never ask for.
22. She wants you to invite her to the places you enjoy. We happen to love basketball games and any place that involves a photo opp.
23. She wants to look good for you. So don’t tell her that every option looks the same.
24. You don’t have to understand her obsession with shoes. You do, however, need to respect that she will wear them for you and only you.
25. You should always defend your gal.
26. She’s SICK of always making the plans. Plan a special time for you two to show her that you care because if you don't......
27. She wants you to be thoughtful. The best presents are the ones that come from the heart, like carving out time in your day to see a movie together. If you don't buy her something for special day's don't show up with nothing at least have a card.
28. She will love your “who can grow the longest beard” contest with your boys if you include her and make it playful.
29. She wants you to introduce her to your circle.
30. She is secretly flattered that your friends think she’s attractive. That doesn’t mean she wants them, though (even if she thinks about it, see #12).
31. She likes being your muse in a very non-Terry Richardson way. Just don’t hang murals of the inside of her vagina in a gallery somewhere.
32. Don’t be afraid of oral. She just saw you stuff face into a hoagie — she knows what you are capable of.
33. She wants to know what is wrong when you are upset. She doesn’t need an entire “Full House” Uncle Jesse sit-down, but keep her in the loop.
34. Don’t judge how much she eats — especially when she’s on her period.
35. All gender stereotypes aside (I think we established this at #1), be the man in the relationship when we need you to be, like when it’s time to kill a spider.
36. We want to know about your ex-girlfriends, but only to confirm that we are better.
37. No matter how charming, good-looking or sweet you are, at some point, she’ll fake it to get you off her. Don’t let it come to this.
38. If you’ve cheated in the past, she is going to be wary of you. You should probably keep this information to yourself.
39. She likes it when you do gentlemen-like things. This does not include hocking loogies or farting in front of her.
40. Being a huge douche isn’t a good look.
41. If you have a problem when she wins at trivial stuff, then you’re going to have an even bigger problem when she’s super successful in things that matter. See #35.
42. She knows you shamefully love “The Vow” or some other chick flick.
43. Hopefully she hasn't turned down your request for a threesome already, if so did you ask when you were checking out other girls and telling her if she looked like them oh the things you would do.
44. Take note: Quiet time is when she’s watching “Girls.”
45. Give her reasons to compliment you. She won’t tell you that your hair looks sexy pushed back if it doesn’t resemble Aaron Samuels.
46. She needs you to indulge her sometimes. Whether that means listening to her pointless gossip or giving each other massages, it’s what makes her happy. It is not about you being selfish. I am sure she makes your lunch, does your laundry, dishes, cleans the house takes care of the kids, and works. Do something special even if it is a night to watch the stars in the back of your manly truck.
47. If she stops caring about dressing up in front of you, then all romance has officially gone out the window. She needs attention yours or someone elses.
48. You are not her dad. You’ve been inside her.
49. She is not your mother. Don’t expect her to baby you.
50. Above all, she just wants you guys to be happy together. Trust and communication is the key. It’s way more simple than any list.
Photo via We Heart It
